The Goddess

I think many people long for the Goddess. Growing up in a Christian culture I only had God and Jesus to pray to, and though I did pray to God and found that he listened,  I somehow found it unbalanced to only have a heavenly father. What about the feminine, didn’t that also have a place in spirituality?

I walked into an herb shop today that I fell in love with. Among all the herbal items there were books on Wicca and the Goddess, and there were even statues of her.  People are starting to worship and connect with the divine feminine again and it’s wonderful.

I was planning on becoming a Witch once. I read books on Wicca and was drawn to the sense of magic that the religion held. Yet somehow I lost interest in Wicca. I can’t remember how it happened, but I sense that it did not feel quite right to me. Like Christianity it somehow felt empty, and though I wanted to worship the Goddess, she too seemed distant.

My inner guide eventually lead me to mysticism which taught that we all have an individual Divine Mother as well as a Divine Father. I began praying to my divine mother a lot, and I truly feel she helped me through some very hard times when I felt very alone and full of fear.

I feel my divine mother is teaching me in everything I do and in everything that happens in life. I’ve learned that the best way to connect with her is through the heart, and sometimes I feel love fill my heart to the point of tears. For years I’ve been loathing myself. I’ve seen so many faults and weaknesses in myself through a terrible pride that demands more than I can be. This anger towards myself would even cause negativity towards others which was ugly to say the least.

I believe my divine mother is teaching me about love. Sometimes it feels like a burst of love inside of me,  like a cry from mother who loves her child, and other times it feels like a gentle, constant flame keeping me warm. In the beginning the feeling of being loved for no apparent reason frightened me. I did not know what to do with it. Now I understand that I need love to be able to help others.

I long to be like a priestess of old. To worship the divine mother in everything I do. Sometimes when my connection is strong I feel her presence all the time and it gives me much more strength to face the challenges of life.  I want to be near her always, and I pray I don’t forget about her or allow my negativity get in the way of feeling her peace.

Yes I want to be like a priestess of old. Lately the goddess has been very close to me. I feel her when I pour my tea, when I go for a walk and when I prepare for bed. She is there always and it seems like it’s only my own fears, anger and pride that makes me think that she has at times abandoned me. It also helps to focus on the heart as she often speaks to me that way. I’ve also noticed I’m closer to her when I’m close to myself, when I listen to and take care of myself.

Pray to her, explain to her everything that you think and feel, and thank her for her guidance and love.

Spring Equinox 2012

Life is interesting. Nothing seems a coincidence.  Shortly before the Spring Equinox I got sick and could hardly eat anything for a while. It was an unwilling fast but it felt like it cleansed me of a lot of things and it just seemed fitting for spring.

To be honest I did not look forward to the preparations for the ceremony. I have certain fears and insecurities that jump out whenever I have to do tasks that I’m not already good at, and at first I did not feel like facing them. But looking back I realize that the tasks were quite pleasant and my fears had no reason for being there. Nothing bad happened. Sure there was a lot to do that resulted in long nights, but I did not mind that. The only thing that made it hard was my own inner states.

The ceremony was stunning. We drove to  the location in the middle of the night and the sky was dark and heavy with clouds. Again this seemed quite fitting for the time of mourning that takes place before sunrise, and as we got closer to the park stars began to appear between the clouds.  By the time we reached our destination the sky was full of stars and a friend of mine commented that it seemed as though you could reach up and touch them. Living in the city I sometimes forget how spectacular the night sky can be.

We put on our robes in the increasing light and just before starting the ceremony we noted some strange pink clouds in the shape of a cross. Perhaps a coincidence. Or perhaps a gift from the gods!

It was amazing to watch the sunrise and to see Anubis standing there like an ancient guardian. I also loved the mantra we were singing and it has become a new favorite because of its beauty. We stayed there chanting for some time, watching the sun rise higher in the sky and seeing the lake before us fill with black ducks. I wish I could get up at dawn every day to experience the world waking up all around me.

We stayed at the park for several hours and I felt I learned so much from everyone. I also enjoyed taking in the beauty of nature, the smell of the trees and how wonderful the lake glittered in the sunlight. I swear my spirit feeds itself on beauty and magic.

By the time I got back into the car I felt tired and my body ached, I even had a sunburn but I also felt deeply inspired. I just wanted to reflect upon everything that had happened, to take it all in and to write down what I had learned. All these sacred ceremonies I’ve been part of has started something new in my life. I feel it again with the Spring Equinox. Something new needs to take place and I hope I can follow the guidance I’m receiving. I hope I have the strength to keep going all the way to the Summer Solstice.

I feel so blessed to be able to be part of these rituals. They feel truly magical and a way to connect to the stars and timeless teachings.

Below is a video from a ceremony by the lovely people at the Mystic Retreat Center. I hope to post the video from the ceremony I took part in soon.

UPDATE: Here is the video from the ceremony I was blessed enough to be part of. It is a beautiful video and I enjoy watching it over and over again.